Anyway, I haven't been updating this as much as I'd like, but honestly, I don't blame myself for neglecting it. I've had so much stupid crap happen in the past month that its nauseating. I sometimes can't even believe myself for some of it. And other parts I can't believe him! I just keep saying to myself, "Did I really just do that?" or "Did he really just say that?" Unbelievable. So even though we just got married, less than two weeks ago, we've been fighting almost the entire time. What an awesome way to start the marriage, right? Yeah. Let's recap, shall we?:
The first fight:
We stayed at a local castle (yes, I said castle) for our semi-honeymoon. It was really pretty cool, and the morning after our wedding, the owners of the castle cooked us a freakin' delicious breakfast. I feel like such a fatty because I bring this up every time I talk about the castle, and the fact that I ate my breakfast and half of Stephen's. But I can't help it. It was really freaking good. Anyway, that day went... rather swimmingly. But the next day was a completely different story. That day, he left. The morning started out rough as we were running around trying to get everything packed so we could check out and so he could go back "home." I have this thing about me where the day that he leaves, I just push him away. I have no idea why, and honestly, I'm not trying to do it. If anything that's when I need him most. That's when I want him to just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok, but I can't let him do it for some reason. So that morning, I was a complete bitch to him. Then we went on base to try to get my ID stuff taken care of. Which failed miserably. We were going to be called next, but we had to leave so he could catch his plane. As usual, I got a gate pass, and I went back and sat with him and saw him off. Once he left, I got to walk myself back through the crowded (well, as crowded as Wichita gets) airport, and out to my car. The entire time, I was alone, bawling my eyes out. And everyone that passed by me just had to stare at me like I was a psychopath. That's a great feeling, I tell ya. Even when I got to the ticket/toll booth going out of the parking lot, the man whose window I went through looked at me like I was nuts. He said, "Hello! How are you" in the cheeriest fucking tone I've ever heard, to which I managed to pull myself together enough to say that I was ok. Then as I gave him the fee and drove off, he told me to have a good evening. Did I look like I was going to have a great evening, bawling my eyes out going through the toll booth at the airport? No. So it was kind of dumb of him to say that, but whatever. I just said, "Thanks, you too," and went on with my life. Which at that point was trying not to wreck my car driving down kellogg in 6 o'clock traffic while heaving and wheezing and crying, trying not to pass out and kill my newly-married self and anyone else around me. And even when I was in the car, the looks I got from the other drivers didn't make me feel any better...
The second fight:
This fight has been going on for the past like five days. Its kind of an off and on thing... It consists of me bringing up old crap and having my insecure feelings just shoved straight in my face. I just don't know what to do, honestly. I feel like I am not respected, but there's nothing he can do without me just seeming like I'm a completely controlling bitch. There are certain girls on his facebook page that I do not like. One of them I haven't like since before we even started dating. He did delete her at one point, but stupid me went and added her back on, because I got mad at myself. I think this was the same night I thought we were going to break up, but I don't remember. Totally different story that I'm not even going to get into right now. Well Stephen and I were iChatting the other day, like we usually do, and as we were both off in our own little "worlds" on our computers, I heard him giggle. Now I know Stephen a lot better than a lot of people. I know certain mannerisms and characteristics of his that other people don't, and some people never get the pleasure of seeing. (Meow, oh my... Anyway...) Well Stephen does this little giggle thing when I do something "cute." Only when I do something that he thinks is cute, do I hear that giggle. Its a short little sound, and its a mixture of a giggle and an "Aww" and it is absolutely adorable. Well, I didn't do anything cute, for him to make that noise, and I knew it. And I changed my screen over to look at him, and I noticed he wasn't looking at me, but some other screen. So like my creeper self, I logged onto his facebook, and what do I see? A post from her. That bitch who I swear to God is in love with him. Right there on his home page. Now I chose to believe him the several times before when he told me that he had no feelings for her, but this just throws everything that I've learned out the window. He only makes that giggle sound when I do something cute. Now is it whenever anyone does something cute? Or is it when she and I do something cute? Its amazing, and it may be stupid to anyone from the outside looking in, that one little noise and hurt me so much. But in the right... Well in this case wrong... Context, it can, and it sure as hell did. And it still does. And I can't bare to tell him this, so hopefully he reads this and understands, and also understands why I don't like to talk about it...
I've also noticed something else about when we fight. And I'm hoping if anyone that comes across this blog that knows anything about dreams will email me because I'm really quite curious... Do dreams correlate with how you feel in the state of waking consciousness? Because For the past four nights, I've had bad dreams (kind of one, actually, but it just picks up where it left off the previous night) and these past four nights, we've been fighting. Or at least I've felt like absolute crap. And since I've written this post, I betcha I'm going to have that same dream again tonight. I really don't want to go to bed, honestly... This morning I woke up around 530 with my heart pounding and tears flowing. I know its not real, but when I'm just waking up, it seems like it is. My dreams are very vivid, and when I have bad dreams, they actually do scare me. And I'm not one to be easily scared. I just don't know anymore. Just don't know. But I'm done with that. If anyone knows a pro bono dream interpreter, send 'em my way. lol.
On a side note, a very sad thing happened to me and my family this past tuesday. The day after Stephen left. My puppy, my baby, the little guy that I named and raised from birth, Tubby, passed away at only two years old. We think he was poisoned, either accidentally or deliberately. But none of that matters I guess, because it can't be taken back and there's no way to figure it out... All I know is that my little puppy died too young, and I miss him. So Tubby, I know that you don't have internet access where you are, but I know that God can tell you what I'm thinking as I type this out. We all loved you very much, and still do. We're very sad that you had to leave us, but we know you're in a better place. I just hope you know that we miss you, and there will not be a day that goes by that we don't think about you. I'll get to see you again, though, one sweet day.
Rest In Peace, Tubby. We love you. <3
6/21/08 - 11/30/10
