Ok, sorry about the title. But seriously, this is a serious matter. Seriously. My tv has been frozen for the past... Probably 10 minutes. Probably 20 by the time I finish this post.
So what to say, what to do... Today (actually yesterday since its past midnight here... Whatever, November 9th) was another one of our 'monthiversaries.' Yes we do celebrate those, and no, we aren't retarded. After being with someone for two years (whoa, that's a long time, right?) and not *being* together for more than about 5 months (accumulated) little things like that do become special. You want to bring those things up. And when those things are forgotten, you actually do get upse--
HOLY SH**! Tv unfroze, scared the bitch out of me... Anyway...
--t. We got off the ichat tonight, and I just laid there and STUPIDLY, thought about my life. It only took me a few minutes before I started bawling and I had Stephen call me. Which was stupid, too, because that probably upset him.
I just don't know how people do this. I really hope that he doesn't re-enlist... But even at that, he's still got three years left in this enlistment... The next year, hopefully, we will be able to be together, but after that its completely unknown. He could end up anywhere in the world. And if not in the US, I'll get to go home and live with my parents until he can come back... the next three years of my life will consist of me living my life based on his, and I hate that, but I can't do anything about it because I love him... I don't understand how one person can love another so much that they are willing to give up everything that they have worked so hard on and worked so long for...
Alright, I'm tired. Screw this post. Going to bed. lol. I'll probably finish this in the morning. The cogs of my mind aren't a'turnin' and a'grindin' like they will be tomorrow around 9. So I'm going to postpone this post until then. Good night folks.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Rebirth--err-- Re-raising process??
So for those of you (actually, my one follower) who are not familiar with the rebirthing process, and very short description is this:
You take a person, of any age, really, and you wrap them up in a blanket. You simulate the birthing process, where, in the end, the subject (person wrapped in a blanket) is "re-birthed" and supposedly will have a better connection with the person who is first to hold and swaddle the person once the process is finished. This process is dangerous, and it shouldn't be done, honestly, but it has been done. Mostly to try to connect adopted children to their parents... Sort of bond them the way a child is bonded to his or her biological mother.
Anyway... I wonder... Is there a re-raising process? Like I want to literally punch the woman who raised me straight in the face, because she did such a terrible job... Now granted, she did raise me with a roof over my head, plenty of food a drink whenever I needed it, and she gave me clothes and shoes and books and paper and blah-de-blah-de-blah whenever I needed, but she never gave me anything that really matters now. I am now 18 years old, and getting married in less than a month, and the only permanent things she's given me are causing me to ruin my relationship with the man that I love, and have for the entire time we've been together. And not to say that it has just now hit me that this is happening to me, but its scaring me now to the point that I'm not sure we should get married. I'm not sure we should even stay together at this point, not because of the fact that I don't love him or he doesn't love me, but because I don't want to put him through the same thing that I've seen that wretch put my father through for the past 18 years of my life, plus the 5 or so years they were together before I was born.
I just seriously don't know what to do anymore. I love Stephen so much, but I feel like in the next few years that we'll be married, we're just going to prove everyone right by getting divorced or something. And it won't be because we were young, but it will be because I am so jealous, I can't handle him seeing a girl's ass in a movie, or I can't stand him talking to other girls on facebook. I mean, honestly, with a few things that I've gotten angry about, I do feel justified, but other things I look back and I still get upset but in the back of my mind I know that any normal girl in a relationship wouldn't freak out about these things. I feel so bad for Stephen... I have put him through so much shit, its ridiculous. I don't know how he stays with me... How or why...
On the flip side, I also have so many insecurities about myself that I can't get over... I know those have a lot to do with it, for sure... But there's really nothing that I can think of doing to get over those, either. I know I'm overweight, and I'm working on changing that, but what happens when (HA, yeah right) I get to be a size two and I still feel like he thinks every other girl he talks to is attractive? Then I'll be stuck. What will I do then? I also know that I'm ugly. Well what the hell am I going to do about that? I'm sure as hell not going to get some crazy cosmetic surgery done, because I think, honestly, that a lot of girls that do that come out uglier in the end. But even if I did get something done, what happens if I still feel ugly? Wasted thousands of dollars and I still feel the way I feel right now. I also hate my boobs. Should I get a boob job? I hear those things pop on airplanes. NOT fun. Then I'll be dead. But honestly, that doesn't sound that bad right now...
I just feel like there's no point in me even having a relationship with anyone, because I suck so much at it. I mean, I've had a grand total of three boyfriends in my life. Whoa, shocker, right? lol. Well the first one cheated on me, the second one started talking to other girls and claimed that we were never dating in the first place, and the third has done absolutely nothing to hurt me, but I treat him like shit anyway. I just wish I didn't feel the way I do.
I actually got pissed enough today that I threw something. It kinda scares me, but then again it was only chapstick, so I laughed at how pathetic my attempt at angry object-throwing was. lol. Anyway, I'm off to lie in bed and watch the Nanny and hope to fall asleep at a reasonable time. Oh wait, its already almost one, scratch that last part. Meh. Good night people (my one follower. lol.)
You take a person, of any age, really, and you wrap them up in a blanket. You simulate the birthing process, where, in the end, the subject (person wrapped in a blanket) is "re-birthed" and supposedly will have a better connection with the person who is first to hold and swaddle the person once the process is finished. This process is dangerous, and it shouldn't be done, honestly, but it has been done. Mostly to try to connect adopted children to their parents... Sort of bond them the way a child is bonded to his or her biological mother.
Anyway... I wonder... Is there a re-raising process? Like I want to literally punch the woman who raised me straight in the face, because she did such a terrible job... Now granted, she did raise me with a roof over my head, plenty of food a drink whenever I needed it, and she gave me clothes and shoes and books and paper and blah-de-blah-de-blah whenever I needed, but she never gave me anything that really matters now. I am now 18 years old, and getting married in less than a month, and the only permanent things she's given me are causing me to ruin my relationship with the man that I love, and have for the entire time we've been together. And not to say that it has just now hit me that this is happening to me, but its scaring me now to the point that I'm not sure we should get married. I'm not sure we should even stay together at this point, not because of the fact that I don't love him or he doesn't love me, but because I don't want to put him through the same thing that I've seen that wretch put my father through for the past 18 years of my life, plus the 5 or so years they were together before I was born.
I just seriously don't know what to do anymore. I love Stephen so much, but I feel like in the next few years that we'll be married, we're just going to prove everyone right by getting divorced or something. And it won't be because we were young, but it will be because I am so jealous, I can't handle him seeing a girl's ass in a movie, or I can't stand him talking to other girls on facebook. I mean, honestly, with a few things that I've gotten angry about, I do feel justified, but other things I look back and I still get upset but in the back of my mind I know that any normal girl in a relationship wouldn't freak out about these things. I feel so bad for Stephen... I have put him through so much shit, its ridiculous. I don't know how he stays with me... How or why...
On the flip side, I also have so many insecurities about myself that I can't get over... I know those have a lot to do with it, for sure... But there's really nothing that I can think of doing to get over those, either. I know I'm overweight, and I'm working on changing that, but what happens when (HA, yeah right) I get to be a size two and I still feel like he thinks every other girl he talks to is attractive? Then I'll be stuck. What will I do then? I also know that I'm ugly. Well what the hell am I going to do about that? I'm sure as hell not going to get some crazy cosmetic surgery done, because I think, honestly, that a lot of girls that do that come out uglier in the end. But even if I did get something done, what happens if I still feel ugly? Wasted thousands of dollars and I still feel the way I feel right now. I also hate my boobs. Should I get a boob job? I hear those things pop on airplanes. NOT fun. Then I'll be dead. But honestly, that doesn't sound that bad right now...
I just feel like there's no point in me even having a relationship with anyone, because I suck so much at it. I mean, I've had a grand total of three boyfriends in my life. Whoa, shocker, right? lol. Well the first one cheated on me, the second one started talking to other girls and claimed that we were never dating in the first place, and the third has done absolutely nothing to hurt me, but I treat him like shit anyway. I just wish I didn't feel the way I do.
I actually got pissed enough today that I threw something. It kinda scares me, but then again it was only chapstick, so I laughed at how pathetic my attempt at angry object-throwing was. lol. Anyway, I'm off to lie in bed and watch the Nanny and hope to fall asleep at a reasonable time. Oh wait, its already almost one, scratch that last part. Meh. Good night people (my one follower. lol.)
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