Which Would You Choose?

Lately in my life I've had to make a lot of hard decisions.  And they're all decisions that a normal girl my age shouldn't have to make.  I feel that every time I figure one thing out, and I am able to finally move away from it, something else comes up.  Something big.  And that comes with more decisions, more heartache, more tears, and more stress.  I know that no marriage is perfect, but with the problems that ours is having, I can't help but wonder if its just not meant to be.  I know I'm not the easiest person to live with and to be married to, but I don't feel like that is any reason for me to be mistreated or lied to for any reason.  So why is it that my whole marriage is a lie?

I guess its time to face the facts.  The cold, hard, truthful facts.  Our marriage was over before it even began.  With the lying, the betrayal, the deceit.  And once we got married, the lying continued, as well as the betrayal and the deceit, but it also brought on disrespect.  I don't feel loved by my husband, and at this time, I'm not even sure how much I can love him anymore.  In his eyes, I believe I am nothing but a dishwasher and a maid, as well as a tawdry sex toy.  Something he can play with when he feels the need, but throw to the ground when he doesn't have a use for it.  But at least he is faithful, right?  But finally when I demand respect, the respect that I deserve as a human being, there is an infidelity.

So back to the beginning.  Back to address the title of this post.  Which do I choose?  An unfaithful but respectful husband, or a faithful, disrespectful one?  Ever since I met him, I always thought I could have the best of both worlds.  I really thought that he was different that any guy I knew.  That's one of the many reasons I fell in love with him. But I guess I was wrong.  About many things.  It turns out he's not any different than any guy I know, and it turns out that I can't have the best of both worlds when it comes to loyalty and respect.


But I am unhappy without it.


As we encroach on the end... We sit on the edge of the cliff called divorce, dangling out bent legs and feet over the end like a child would when sitting on a dock at a beautiful, peaceful lake.  I realize that life is not turning out how I always wished.

I used to believe that God created all people with the intent of creating someone for them.  Someone they could spend their lives with on earth, so they wouldn't be lonely, on the long journey before they got to Heaven (or hell, if that was the case).  Although as amazing as God is, nothing in this universe is perfect.  So I'm sure there are plenty of people in the world who God forgot about.  They were pushed to the wayside, and their "other half" was never created.  These people live their lives on their own. They may have friends, sure, but no true love.

Before I met my husband, I was sure I was one of the people that God had forgotten about.  I had planned that I was going to live alone for my whole life, but I would still make myself happy filling any void I had with animals, possessions, money, whatever I could.  I had no doubt that I could lead a happy life without a man in it.

Then I met Stephen.

When I met Stephen, everything seemed to fall into place for me.  I realized that I could still be successful but have someone to love and love me, and live a beautiful life.  When we were together, the world was at our fingertips, and when we were apart, we missed each other so much that we couldn't wait to be together again, and it not only made us closer, but it eased us into the notion that if we missed each other that much, all the time we were apart, we were meant to be together.

Then, shit happened.  Everything has fallen apart.  I don't know where to run or even how to run anymore.  I feel like I can't fix anything.  I have no motivation.  I have no desire to roll out of bed in the morning.  I find other women to be more of a motivation to do anything healthy for myself, rather than what it used to be.  Which was to make him happy.  Because now I feel that nothing I do can make him happy.  There will always be something more appealing or just all around better for him than I am.  I feel that I am in a constant fight to keep my own husband faithful, and even more so I feel the unnecessary need to change myself in order to make myself more appealing to him than other women.

But most of all, I feel that I am again, one of those few that God forgot about.  I no longer feel that my own husband was the one that God created to be my other half.  I feel that I have no one, once again, like I did so few years ago.

How do I change this?




I wish I had the answer.

What is this... I don't even...

So its been forever since I've updated this... I was going to do my own Project 365, but its already day 14, and I haven't taken pictures everyday, so I figure it shall wait til next year.  I guess I'll keep this one short and as sweet as I can muster with the mood I'm in.

By the way I hate the word muster, I have no idea why I just used it.

So for Christmas this year (well, guess it was last year by now...) Stephen was able to come home (to Kansas, shit I'm on a roll...).  It was great.  I've always loved Christmas.  Not just because of the presents, but also because I get to see my entire family in one place at one time.  My mom's side of the family has a Christmas party every year, the Saturday before, at my mom's house.  This year, A few people from my mom's side missed out due to illness, but more people from my dad's side got to come and enjoy the festivities!  And so did Stephen!  In the three Christmases (meh?) that we've shared, this is the first time he's been able to go to a Petersen Christmas party.  I'm not going to lie, this year was much more hectic than previous years.  Mom was stressed out because there were more people, and on top of that, we don't really know my dad's side of the family that well... The blame for that is spread between us all... Just a lack of communication on all parts.  No hatred, but no... speaking... Yeah.  Anyway, I had fun.  And my cousin Melissa brought the spinach dip that I wait 365 days for... I need to get that damn recipe...

So then came Christmas day.  It was hard.  Stephen's family had their "Christmas morning" in the morning, like my family does, but they didn't even ask our opinion, which pissed me off, so I got to spend Christmas night opening presents at my family's house.  I didn't like it.  It was bullshit.  So needless to say, next year, we're having Christmas morning at my family's house, and Stephen's family is going to just have to suck it.  Cause I'm pretty much done with dealing with their shit... Don't even get me started on them... But the hardest part of Christmas day was the fact that we were flying out the next day to move to Virginia.  Here.  Home here.  There was a lot of crying, and it sucked.  But what sucked even more is that the next night, after all the tears, and the first set of good byes, we got to the airport and our flights got cancelled.  So I called my parents and they picked us up and we went to dinner and home.  So we got another two days in Wichita with my family.  So that was nice, but it sucks because I wish we would have known beforehand that way 1.  That entire afternoon wouldn't have been wasted in the air port, and 2.  I wouldn't have bawled my eyes out on my favorite holiday evar.  But we are in Virginia, he is going back to work, and everything is ok.  Looking for a job, but not really at the same time...  Trying to get the apartment organized and everything put away.  Hopefully this is done soon, and I find a job soon, because I can definitely use the extra money!  And good news, Stephen makes rank in just a few days!  Woot!

Something to chew on that I haven't posted yet:

Now that's a good lookin' couple. ;D