Which Would You Choose?

Lately in my life I've had to make a lot of hard decisions.  And they're all decisions that a normal girl my age shouldn't have to make.  I feel that every time I figure one thing out, and I am able to finally move away from it, something else comes up.  Something big.  And that comes with more decisions, more heartache, more tears, and more stress.  I know that no marriage is perfect, but with the problems that ours is having, I can't help but wonder if its just not meant to be.  I know I'm not the easiest person to live with and to be married to, but I don't feel like that is any reason for me to be mistreated or lied to for any reason.  So why is it that my whole marriage is a lie?

I guess its time to face the facts.  The cold, hard, truthful facts.  Our marriage was over before it even began.  With the lying, the betrayal, the deceit.  And once we got married, the lying continued, as well as the betrayal and the deceit, but it also brought on disrespect.  I don't feel loved by my husband, and at this time, I'm not even sure how much I can love him anymore.  In his eyes, I believe I am nothing but a dishwasher and a maid, as well as a tawdry sex toy.  Something he can play with when he feels the need, but throw to the ground when he doesn't have a use for it.  But at least he is faithful, right?  But finally when I demand respect, the respect that I deserve as a human being, there is an infidelity.

So back to the beginning.  Back to address the title of this post.  Which do I choose?  An unfaithful but respectful husband, or a faithful, disrespectful one?  Ever since I met him, I always thought I could have the best of both worlds.  I really thought that he was different that any guy I knew.  That's one of the many reasons I fell in love with him. But I guess I was wrong.  About many things.  It turns out he's not any different than any guy I know, and it turns out that I can't have the best of both worlds when it comes to loyalty and respect.


But I am unhappy without it.


As we encroach on the end... We sit on the edge of the cliff called divorce, dangling out bent legs and feet over the end like a child would when sitting on a dock at a beautiful, peaceful lake.  I realize that life is not turning out how I always wished.

I used to believe that God created all people with the intent of creating someone for them.  Someone they could spend their lives with on earth, so they wouldn't be lonely, on the long journey before they got to Heaven (or hell, if that was the case).  Although as amazing as God is, nothing in this universe is perfect.  So I'm sure there are plenty of people in the world who God forgot about.  They were pushed to the wayside, and their "other half" was never created.  These people live their lives on their own. They may have friends, sure, but no true love.

Before I met my husband, I was sure I was one of the people that God had forgotten about.  I had planned that I was going to live alone for my whole life, but I would still make myself happy filling any void I had with animals, possessions, money, whatever I could.  I had no doubt that I could lead a happy life without a man in it.

Then I met Stephen.

When I met Stephen, everything seemed to fall into place for me.  I realized that I could still be successful but have someone to love and love me, and live a beautiful life.  When we were together, the world was at our fingertips, and when we were apart, we missed each other so much that we couldn't wait to be together again, and it not only made us closer, but it eased us into the notion that if we missed each other that much, all the time we were apart, we were meant to be together.

Then, shit happened.  Everything has fallen apart.  I don't know where to run or even how to run anymore.  I feel like I can't fix anything.  I have no motivation.  I have no desire to roll out of bed in the morning.  I find other women to be more of a motivation to do anything healthy for myself, rather than what it used to be.  Which was to make him happy.  Because now I feel that nothing I do can make him happy.  There will always be something more appealing or just all around better for him than I am.  I feel that I am in a constant fight to keep my own husband faithful, and even more so I feel the unnecessary need to change myself in order to make myself more appealing to him than other women.

But most of all, I feel that I am again, one of those few that God forgot about.  I no longer feel that my own husband was the one that God created to be my other half.  I feel that I have no one, once again, like I did so few years ago.

How do I change this?




I wish I had the answer.

What is this... I don't even...

So its been forever since I've updated this... I was going to do my own Project 365, but its already day 14, and I haven't taken pictures everyday, so I figure it shall wait til next year.  I guess I'll keep this one short and as sweet as I can muster with the mood I'm in.

By the way I hate the word muster, I have no idea why I just used it.

So for Christmas this year (well, guess it was last year by now...) Stephen was able to come home (to Kansas, shit I'm on a roll...).  It was great.  I've always loved Christmas.  Not just because of the presents, but also because I get to see my entire family in one place at one time.  My mom's side of the family has a Christmas party every year, the Saturday before, at my mom's house.  This year, A few people from my mom's side missed out due to illness, but more people from my dad's side got to come and enjoy the festivities!  And so did Stephen!  In the three Christmases (meh?) that we've shared, this is the first time he's been able to go to a Petersen Christmas party.  I'm not going to lie, this year was much more hectic than previous years.  Mom was stressed out because there were more people, and on top of that, we don't really know my dad's side of the family that well... The blame for that is spread between us all... Just a lack of communication on all parts.  No hatred, but no... speaking... Yeah.  Anyway, I had fun.  And my cousin Melissa brought the spinach dip that I wait 365 days for... I need to get that damn recipe...

So then came Christmas day.  It was hard.  Stephen's family had their "Christmas morning" in the morning, like my family does, but they didn't even ask our opinion, which pissed me off, so I got to spend Christmas night opening presents at my family's house.  I didn't like it.  It was bullshit.  So needless to say, next year, we're having Christmas morning at my family's house, and Stephen's family is going to just have to suck it.  Cause I'm pretty much done with dealing with their shit... Don't even get me started on them... But the hardest part of Christmas day was the fact that we were flying out the next day to move to Virginia.  Here.  Home here.  There was a lot of crying, and it sucked.  But what sucked even more is that the next night, after all the tears, and the first set of good byes, we got to the airport and our flights got cancelled.  So I called my parents and they picked us up and we went to dinner and home.  So we got another two days in Wichita with my family.  So that was nice, but it sucks because I wish we would have known beforehand that way 1.  That entire afternoon wouldn't have been wasted in the air port, and 2.  I wouldn't have bawled my eyes out on my favorite holiday evar.  But we are in Virginia, he is going back to work, and everything is ok.  Looking for a job, but not really at the same time...  Trying to get the apartment organized and everything put away.  Hopefully this is done soon, and I find a job soon, because I can definitely use the extra money!  And good news, Stephen makes rank in just a few days!  Woot!

Something to chew on that I haven't posted yet:

Now that's a good lookin' couple. ;D

So guess what. I'm married.

Oh yeah, that's right.  I am now a married woman.  And the wedding went phenomenally, if I do say so myself.  Except for one part where the bride and groom got left at the church, which pissed me off, but I won't get into that.

Anyway, I haven't been updating this as much as I'd like, but honestly, I don't blame myself for neglecting it.  I've had so much stupid crap happen in the past month that its nauseating.  I sometimes can't even believe myself for some of it.  And other parts I can't believe him!  I just keep saying to myself, "Did I really just do that?" or "Did he really just say that?"  Unbelievable.  So even though we just got married, less than two weeks ago, we've been fighting almost the entire time.  What an awesome way to start the marriage, right?  Yeah.  Let's recap, shall we?:

The first fight:
We stayed at a local castle (yes, I said castle) for our semi-honeymoon.  It was really pretty cool, and the morning after our wedding, the owners of the castle cooked us a freakin' delicious breakfast.  I feel like such a fatty because I bring this up every time I talk about the castle, and the fact that I ate my breakfast and half of Stephen's.  But I can't help it.  It was really freaking good.  Anyway, that day went... rather swimmingly.  But the next day was a completely different story.  That day, he left.  The morning started out rough as we were running around trying to get everything packed so we could check out and so he could go back "home."  I have this thing about me where the day that he leaves, I just push him away.  I have no idea why, and honestly, I'm not trying to do it.  If anything that's when I need him most.  That's when I want him to just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok, but I can't let him do it for some reason.  So that morning, I was a complete bitch to him.  Then we went on base to try to get my ID stuff taken care of.  Which failed miserably.  We were going to be called next, but we had to leave so he could catch his plane.  As usual, I got a gate pass, and I went back and sat with him and saw him off.  Once he left, I got to walk myself back through the crowded (well, as crowded as Wichita gets) airport, and out to my car.  The entire time, I was alone, bawling my eyes out.  And everyone that passed by me just had to stare at me like I was a psychopath.  That's a great feeling, I tell ya.  Even when I got to the ticket/toll booth going out of the parking lot, the man whose window I went through looked at me like I was nuts.  He said, "Hello!  How are you" in the cheeriest fucking tone I've ever heard, to which I managed to pull myself together enough to say that I was ok.  Then as I gave him the fee and drove off, he told me to have a good evening.  Did I look like I was going to have a great evening, bawling my eyes out going through the toll booth at the airport?  No.  So it was kind of dumb of him to say that, but whatever.  I just said, "Thanks, you too," and went on with my life.  Which at that point was trying not to wreck my car driving down kellogg in 6 o'clock traffic while heaving and wheezing and crying, trying not to pass out and kill my newly-married self and anyone else around me.  And even when I was in the car, the looks I got from the other drivers didn't make me feel any better...

The second fight:
This fight has been going on for the past like five days.  Its kind of an off and on thing... It consists of me bringing up old crap and having my insecure feelings just shoved straight in my face.  I just don't know what to do, honestly.  I feel like I am not respected, but there's nothing he can do without me just seeming like I'm a completely controlling bitch.  There are certain girls on his facebook page that I do not like.  One of them I haven't like since before we even started dating.  He did delete her at one point, but stupid me went and added her back on, because I got mad at myself.  I think this was the same night I thought we were going to break up, but I don't remember.  Totally different story that I'm not even going to get into right now.  Well Stephen and I were iChatting the other day, like we usually do, and as we were both off in our own little "worlds" on our computers, I heard him giggle.  Now I know Stephen a lot better than a lot of people.  I know certain mannerisms and characteristics of his that other people don't, and some people never get the pleasure of seeing.  (Meow, oh my... Anyway...) Well Stephen does this little giggle thing when I do something "cute."  Only when I do something that he thinks is cute, do I hear that giggle.  Its a short little sound, and its a mixture of a giggle and an "Aww" and it is absolutely adorable.  Well, I didn't do anything cute, for him to make that noise, and I knew it.  And I changed my screen over to look at him, and I noticed he wasn't looking at me, but some other screen.  So like my creeper self, I logged onto his facebook, and what do I see?  A post from her.  That bitch who I swear to God is in love with him.  Right there on his home page.  Now I chose to believe him the several times before when he told me that he had no feelings for her, but this just throws everything that I've learned out the window.  He only makes that giggle sound when I do something cute.  Now is it whenever anyone does something cute?  Or is it when she and I do something cute?  Its amazing, and it may be stupid to anyone from the outside looking in, that one little noise and hurt me so much.  But in the right... Well in this case wrong... Context, it can, and it sure as hell did.  And it still does.  And I can't bare to tell him this, so hopefully he reads this and understands, and also understands why I don't like to talk about it...

I've also noticed something else about when we fight.  And I'm hoping if anyone that comes across this blog that knows anything about dreams will email me because I'm really quite curious... Do dreams correlate with how you feel in the state of waking consciousness?  Because For the past four nights, I've had bad dreams (kind of one, actually, but it just picks up where it left off the previous night) and these past four nights, we've been fighting.  Or at least I've felt like absolute crap.  And since I've written this post, I betcha I'm going to have that same dream again tonight.  I really don't want to go to bed, honestly... This morning I woke up around 530 with my heart pounding and tears flowing.  I know its not real, but when I'm just waking up, it seems like it is.  My dreams are very vivid, and when I have bad dreams, they actually do scare me.  And I'm not one to be easily scared.  I just don't know anymore.  Just don't know.  But I'm done with that.  If anyone knows a pro bono dream interpreter, send 'em my way.  lol.

On a side note, a very sad thing happened to me and my family this past tuesday.  The day after Stephen left.  My puppy, my baby, the little guy that I named and raised from birth, Tubby, passed away at only two years old.  We think he was poisoned, either accidentally or deliberately.  But none of that matters I guess, because it can't be taken back and there's no way to figure it out... All I know is that my little puppy died too young, and I miss him.  So Tubby, I know that you don't have internet access where you are, but I know that God can tell you what I'm thinking as I type this out.  We all loved you very much, and still do.  We're very sad that you had to leave us, but we know you're in a better place.  I just hope you know that we miss you, and there will not be a day that goes by that we don't think about you.  I'll get to see you again, though, one sweet day.

Rest In Peace, Tubby.  We love you. <3

6/21/08 - 11/30/10

Cox isn't working... MmmBAHAHA

Ok, sorry about the title.  But seriously, this is a serious matter.  Seriously.  My tv has been frozen for the past... Probably 10 minutes.  Probably 20 by the time I finish this post.

So what to say, what to do... Today (actually yesterday since its past midnight here... Whatever, November 9th) was another one of our 'monthiversaries.'  Yes we do celebrate those, and no, we aren't retarded.  After being with someone for two years (whoa, that's a long time, right?) and not *being* together for more than about 5 months (accumulated) little things like that do become special.  You want to bring those things up.  And when those things are forgotten, you actually do get upse--

HOLY SH**!  Tv unfroze, scared the bitch out of me... Anyway...

--t.  We got off the ichat tonight, and I just laid there and STUPIDLY, thought about my life.  It only took me a few minutes before I started bawling and I had Stephen call me.  Which was stupid, too, because that probably upset him.

I just don't know how people do this.  I really hope that he doesn't re-enlist... But even at that, he's still got three years left in this enlistment... The next year, hopefully, we will be able to be together, but after that its completely unknown.  He could end up anywhere in the world.  And if not in the US, I'll get to go home and live with my parents until he can come back... the next three years of my life will consist of me living my life based on his, and I hate that, but I can't do anything about it because I love him... I don't understand how one person can love another so much that they are willing to give up everything that they have worked so hard on and worked so long for...

Alright, I'm tired.  Screw this post.  Going to bed.  lol.  I'll probably finish this in the morning.  The cogs of my mind aren't a'turnin' and a'grindin' like they will be tomorrow around 9.  So I'm going to postpone this post until then.  Good night folks.

Rebirth--err-- Re-raising process??

So for those of you (actually, my one follower) who are not familiar with the rebirthing process, and very short description is this:

You take a person, of any age, really, and you wrap them up in a blanket.  You simulate the birthing process, where, in the end, the subject (person wrapped in a blanket) is "re-birthed" and supposedly will have a better connection with the person who is first to hold and swaddle the person once the process is finished.  This process is dangerous, and it shouldn't be done, honestly, but it has been done.  Mostly to try to connect adopted children to their parents... Sort of bond them the way a child is bonded to his or her biological mother.

Anyway... I wonder... Is there a re-raising process?  Like I want to literally punch the woman who raised me straight in the face, because she did such a terrible job... Now granted, she did raise me with a roof over my head, plenty of food a drink whenever I needed it, and she gave me clothes and shoes and books and paper and blah-de-blah-de-blah whenever I needed, but she never gave me anything that really matters now.  I am now 18 years old, and getting married in less than a month, and the only permanent things she's given me are causing me to ruin my relationship with the man that I love, and have for the entire time we've been together.  And not to say that it has just now hit me that this is happening to me, but its scaring me now to the point that I'm not sure we should get married.  I'm not sure we should even stay together at this point, not because of the fact that I don't love him or he doesn't love me, but because I don't want to put him through the same thing that I've seen that wretch put my father through for the past 18 years of my life, plus the 5 or so years they were together before I was born.

I just seriously don't know what to do anymore.  I love Stephen so much, but I feel like in the next few years that we'll be married, we're just going to prove everyone right by getting divorced or something.  And it won't be because we were young, but it will be because I am so jealous, I can't handle him seeing a girl's ass in a movie, or I can't stand him talking to other girls on facebook.  I mean, honestly, with a few things that I've gotten angry about, I do feel justified, but other things I look back and I still get upset but in the back of my mind I know that any normal girl in a relationship wouldn't freak out about these things.  I feel so bad for Stephen... I have put him through so much shit, its ridiculous.  I don't know how he stays with me... How or why...

On the flip side, I also have so many insecurities about myself that I can't get over... I know those have a lot to do with it, for sure... But there's really nothing that I can think of doing to get over those, either.  I know I'm overweight, and I'm working on changing that, but what happens when (HA, yeah right) I get to be a size two and I still feel like he thinks every other girl he talks to is attractive?  Then I'll be stuck.  What will I do then?  I also know that I'm ugly.  Well what the hell am I going to do about that?  I'm sure as hell not going to get some crazy cosmetic surgery done, because I think, honestly, that a lot of girls that do that come out uglier in the end.  But even if I did get something done, what happens if I still feel ugly?  Wasted thousands of dollars and I still feel the way I feel right now.  I also hate my boobs.  Should I get a boob job?  I hear those things pop on airplanes.  NOT fun.  Then I'll be dead.  But honestly, that doesn't sound that bad right now...

I just feel like there's no point in me even having a relationship with anyone, because I suck so much at it.  I mean, I've had a grand total of three boyfriends in my life.  Whoa, shocker, right?  lol.  Well the first one cheated on me, the second one started talking to other girls and claimed that we were never dating in the first place, and the third has done absolutely nothing to hurt me, but I treat him like shit anyway.  I just wish I didn't feel the way I do.

I actually got pissed enough today that I threw something.  It kinda scares me, but then again it was only chapstick, so I laughed at how pathetic my attempt at angry object-throwing was.  lol.  Anyway, I'm off to lie in bed and watch the Nanny and hope to fall asleep at a reasonable time.  Oh wait, its already almost one, scratch that last part.  Meh.  Good night people (my one follower.  lol.)

The kick ass stuff I find at the Goodwill...

So.  Today is the day that I am going to Stephen's sister's birthday party.  Its a pirate themed murder mystery party, BUT, I am not a pirate.  Their other sister, Angela, picked the parts, and I'm some governor's daughter.  Lol.  So I went to the Goodwill this morning to see if I could find something and Whoa-ho-ho you bet your ass I did find something.  When I walked in, the first thing I saw were the dresses.  I looked through and grabbed a bunch to try on, and good Lord some of those things are gaudy.  I just can't help but think to myself, "Who is the crazy woman that bought this in the first place?"
The dress I'm wearing to the party is red (yuck) and very long.  I'll be wearing the new boots that I bought at Maurices the other day, also.  BUT, that's besides the point!  I found two dresses and one shirt that are absolutely gorgeous.  And they fit very well!  The first was a bright yellow dress.  Absolutely perfect.  I tried it on and fell in love with it.  The only thing wrong is that the zipper gets caught about half way up and a little string needs to be removed or something.  But that's no big deal, I can do that, easy.  The next item is a long black cotton dress with white dots on it.  I'm not a fan of long dresses, so I figure I can just cut it down to tweak it.  It will look gorgeous when I'm done, I promise.  lol.  The third item was a tank top (or a dress, I'm not too sure) that had FISH ON IT.  IT IS THE COOLEST THING EVAR.  All of the items are in the wash right now. : ]  And as soon as they are dry, I will edit this note and put up pictures! :D

Other than that, nothing interesting has happened so far today.  I went to burger king for lunch?  Meh.  Ok, I'm going to go do the laundry.  Yay! :D

So... How's it goin'?

I'm new to this, obviously, because as you can see, this is my first post!  I'm learning as I go, with more things than just this website.  I decided to start it because I'm trying to win a contest, but I have a feeling this is going to be good for me... A way to vent and rant about everything that bugs me that no one cares to hear about.  lol.  But first, I shall start by introducing myself:

My name is Natalie Jo Petersen.  Very soon to be Cage.  That being said...

THAT is my future husband, and my best friend.  Please pardon the jelly-stained pants and dur-dur-dur look on his face.  His name is Stephen and he is the love of my life.  We're getting married in less than a month.  I'm so happy, but at the same time I am scared as hell.  I've never done this before!  lol.  But if I had to choose anyone to spend the rest of my life with, and to jump head first into "real life" with, it would be no one else but this guy.

I am an 18 year *young* nerd girl with essentially no life.  When I'm not in class, I'm working on planning this wedding, making bows for my online store, and/or iChatting with Stephen... Which brings me to yet another pause in the conversation...

Stephen is in the United States Navy.  He is currently stationed "away from home," and we rarely get to *be* with each other.  I can't say that we rarely get to see each other, because we do.  We're lucky enough to have the privilege of iChatting almost every night once he's off work.  Not only do I just love him because he's so darn cute, but I also respect him because he stood up to do something that a lot of people don't do.  He joined the military, leaving behind his girlfriend, *hmmpf* his family, and the only place he's ever called home.  But this was so he could make a better life for not only him, and not only me, but the children that we will hopefully bring into this world (Not NOW, just at some point).

One of my main pet peeves is when people complain to me about missing their boyfriend/girlfriend when they live in the same town or see them everyday.  Most people will never understand how much it hurts to not be able to see your significant other for long periods of time, and honestly, I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy... Ok wait, nevermind, I probably would... lol.  ;D

I am currently attending a local community college, in hopes of getting some type of degree for some job in the medical field.  This is what college officials like to call "Undecided," apparently.  Ever since I remember, I've wanted to be a doctor.  But I honestly doubt that will happen.  I just don't think I'll be able to afford the schooling.  I'm a CNA right now, and I will probably go to Nursing School, but I don't know.  I'm moving soon, and I'll probably take one semester or a year off of college until I can get my feet on the ground and decide what I really want to do.

My favorite show ever is The Nanny.  lol.  I also love shows like Criminal Minds and The Mentalist.  But The Nanny beats all.  I'm actually watching it right now! :O

I love babies and animals.  I'm partial to dogs.  I have two of my own.  Molly and Tubby (who is not so tubby anymore).  I also have a damn evil cat that my dad named George.  By the way, George is a girl cat.  Not a guy cat.

See?  She's evil!

Anyway, moving on.  lol.  Well there's not much else that I can think of to say about myself.  I don't like talking about myself.  But if there's anything else, I'll let you know!  I plan on making something out of this blog... This is just the beginning of a brand new chapter of my life.  A whole new journey in front of me.  And I can't wait to start.  : ]